Now that global warming has caused a massive winter storm from Texas to New York, I thought I would share a few things about my fellow man and his reaction to thirty six hours of inclement weather.
For the last week the news has been warning us that central Indiana was going to become a scene from The Day After Tomorrow. Or, to steal from “South Park,” the day after tomorrow will look like The Day After Tomorrow. The forecast called for an ice storm, followed by a few hours of light sleet, then another twelve hours of an ice storm, followed by four inches of snow. Stock up, they said, and prepare for massive power outages and catastrophic damage from ice and wind! Prepare for a return to the stone ages, only with cell phones and turtlenecks, and movie theaters that should be closed but aren’t!
So I decide to venture out and pick up a loaf of bread, because I am out. I am a bit crazy, not because I’m braving the weather, but braving the grocery stores. I can’t believe all of those people actually watch the news and listen to the forecast of Snowmageddon. Wal-Mart was closest, but I would have had to park three stores away. The parking lot looked like Black Friday. And there were big signs posted that said, “WE ARE OUT OF BREAD”. So off to Kroger I go.
Kroger is normally pretty empty, making me often wonder how it even stays open. But the lot was packed. The ice had really started to come down by then, and it really did look like people were trying to outrun a cold front. There are no carts available, but I only need a loaf of bread, and maybe some milk, so I don’t really need one.
Inside it looked like a scene from Zombieland. People were dashing around fighting to get the last cases of bottled water, bread, milk, batteries, and beer. I decide that I would rather get hoagie buns and maybe pick up a bit more lunchmeat. Make some Dagwoods or something. And as I’m looking at what people are buying I just start laughing. Not only are they cleaning out the bread, batteries, and beer, but also milk and juice. Now, I get that to a degree, because those are staples. But one guy had NINE GALLONS of milk. Really dude? Just how long do you think this 36 hour storm will last? And if your power goes out, what will you do with NINE GALLONS of milk?
Then I see the other items: frozen pizzas; frozen chicken breast; frozen vegetables; raw hamburger; you get the idea. Not one of these people were bothering to buy, oh, CANNED GOODS. If you think you’re going to be without power for an extended time, WHY ARE YOU BUYING THINGS YOU HAVE TO COOK OR MICROWAVE?!?!?!? I mean, surely not all of these people have their own generators. What do they think they will be cooking all of this stuff with? And I get to the lunchmeat section, and it is full. Not that lunchmeat will stay good for very long without power, but that’s when you put the stuff outside, right?
Anyway, people are rushing around buying all sorts of things that won’t help them during a power outage, and then they start assaulting the clerks, trying to find out where the Ice Melt is for their sidewalks. Now, I’m no genius, but don’t you think waiting until the storm has BEGUN is a little late to be looking for ice melt? And the clerks are too busy helping the people who go to the self-service lanes to ring in the two BASKETS of stuff they are buying to help the Ice Melters. Someone needs to explain to these people that the self-service lanes utilize WEIGHT to determine the groceries, and that you have to be able to place all your stuff on the SCALE that the bags sit on. But that just seems to be too complicated.
Fast forward a day, and the ice has coated pretty much everything. The roads aren’t as bad because INDOT did a fairly good job of prepping for the storm. But for some reason people feel like if they don’t have work or school, it’s a vacation day and they want to go to the movies. The county has declared a state of emergency and I have to keep people out on the roads so someone can get their Nicholas Cage fix. Fortunately, though, I work for a sane company who looks out for the well-being of their employees and we were able to close early.
And I spent the drive home thinking about the poor souls stuck at home, making frozen chicken breasts, drinking milk, and watching Snake Eyes for the thirtieth time…
